Anyone who knows me, will know that I have an undying passion for mary jane shoes. There's just something about them. I can't explain what really, other than the fact that I just LOVE them. As a shoe design they are my ultimate favourite. It's as if they were made for me. They are the most comfortable shoe in the world, the most stylish, colourful, playful and feminine. They are my shoe.
When I gave up work to concentrate on home educating the girls I felt lost without my own spending money. A common problem I think for most women who go from a career into the home environment. To get round this Mud Boy and I arranged between us that I would have not a monetary wage, but I would be paid in shoes, bags and clothes instead. So if I see a dress I like, I buy it without any guilt attached, because it's my 'wage', so to speak. I don't feel then that I am taking money selfishly for myself, I have instead earned it with my 'job' of home educating. I have a value. I have a worth. Therefore I deserve a reward or payment. Be that in shoes, bags, jewellery or dresses.
Let's face it most of us home ed mums have a real guilt about spending time or money on ourselves, or even finding the time for ourselves can be a HUGE logistical problem, especially if we don't have family near or who support us. We need to feel valued.
That doesn't mean that the only reason I home educate is for shoes, bags and clothes. That's not it at all. I home educate because I love to home educate and because we firmly believe that it's the right choice for our girls. It's what they have asked us to do.
It's more about me, than anyone else. It was how under valued I felt in society, once I had accepted the role of stay at home mum - home educator. Any life insurance, mortgage or pension advisor will tell you that you don't actually have a 'job', and they have told me so many, many times over the years, even though it has been widely recognized throughout the world as the most valuable job there could ever be - raising the next generation. But on financial paper you simple don't 'exist'. You will be put down on the form as a 'home - maker'. You no longer have any financial value in this world. How demoralising is that for someone who is probably more educated than the little wotsit sat behind the desk evaluating your worth??!!
This to a much younger me was a massive blow to my self esteem. Here I was busting a gut day in day out with three young children aged five and under, home educating, saving the Government, council and schools thousands of pounds, forgoing my chosen career path, doing the very best I could everyday without support and ending up absolutely shattered both physically and mentally and it wasn't classed as 'anything' outside in the 'real' world!!!
Yet I knew deep down that what I was doing was being greatly valued by husband and eventually would be by my children, but at that point in time I felt like I wasn't actually being valued at all.
So I self worth retail therapied myself. It may seem really shallow at first, but it actually helped me recognize that I am worth something. I'm being really honest here. Buying clothes and shoes makes me feel good and it's a small reward for doing something that I really love to do. Okay, so I don't have a 'proper job' on 'paper', okay so I don't earn any 'money', BUT having a new pair of mary janes makes me feel just as good as if I do, because I've earned them. I've earned all those shoes through the tears, the tantrums, the sibling and daily squabbles, the new educational discoveries, the home-edding ups and downs and family joys of our daily home educating life style. I've worked my butt off making sure the girls and my hubbies needs were and are all met to the very best of my abilities and I deserved some kind of reward. Damn it, I deserve those shoes!
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